Life Between Two Worlds
"We wash the sheets. We change the pillowcases. We make the bed look beautiful. But if we never clean the mattress, we sleep every night on what we refuse to face. That was my shame. I had polished the outside, but I had not cleaned the place where I rested." Monika Tep
A Note From The Author
Dear reader,
I did not write this book because I survived beautifully. I wrote it because, for a long time, I survived silently.
There were many years when I believed shame was a place I had to live.
I believed that if something painful happened to me, it must have meant I was broken, cursed, or paying for something I did not understand. That is what trauma can do. It can turn a human being into hollow bamboo, still standing on the outside while everything inside feels empty.
But bamboo also bends. A lotus still rises from the mud. Skin sheds and becomes new again. Those images became a way for me to understand my own life. I could be wounded and still growing. I could carry grief and still love. I could lose pieces of myself and still become someone I had not yet met.
Some parts of this memoir were painful to tell.
I write about poverty, family trauma, sexual violence, suicidal thoughts, spiritual betrayal, stigma, and the long silence around mental health in Cambodian culture. I do not share these things for pity. I share them because silence keeps too many people alone. I share them because I want one reader, somewhere, to close this book and think, Maybe my life is not over either.
This book is also an act of compassion. I am not writing to punish every person who hurt me. I am writing to understand how pain travels through families, countries, war, poverty, and silence when no one has the language to heal it. Understanding does not erase what happened. Forgiveness does not mean the wound was acceptable. But I believe we can put down the fire before it burns the rest of our lives.
If you see yourself in these pages, I hope you remember this: what happened to you may shape you, but it does not get to own the rest of your life.
With love,
Monika Tep
I do not judge anyone for wanting to look better. I understand it. I lived it. Beauty gave me confidence, protection, and sometimes even survival. But I also learned that when beauty becomes a cover for shame, it can become another kind of prison. The real question is not, “How can I look acceptable?” The real question is, “What part of me still believes I am not?”
“Enhancement can support us, but it cannot replace healing. If the inside is full of shame, no injection, facial, outfit, or perfect body can make us feel clean.“
“For so long, I gave love, care, and respect to other people. I tried to be the best worker, the best partner, the best version of myself for everyone else. But writing this book made me ask the question I had avoided my whole life: Can I give that same love, care, and respect to myself?”
Monika’s story and work have been featured in interviews with VoyageLA, Cambodge Mag, and Khmer Times, where she has spoken about her Cambodian childhood, her journey to Los Angeles, her career in beauty and wellness, and the long desire to tell her story with honesty and courage.
VoyageLA: Meet Monika Tep of Monika Day Spa in Beverly Hills
Cambodge Mag: Monika Tep et l’envie de tout dire
Khmer Times: Former Cambodian model to release book on overcoming adversity
VoyageLA: Meet Monique Tep of Lady M Spa